An "Up" Rant

Those who know me know that I’m not one to go out of my way to cause trouble or discord. And there really is no reason now to express my dissatisfaction with the movie Up” especially since it’s not even on the screen, except that I feel like something should be said, albeit after the fact.

If you really truly love Up and aren’t interested in hearing it dissed, go back to what you were doing. Sorry I bothered you. If, however, you also have a niggling feeling that this movie wasn’t worth the Uproar, read on.

My name is Shelly, and I didn’t like Up for the following reasons:

1) There are two females in the whole film. One is dead, and the other is a speechless, flightless bird named “Kevin.” Okay? As far as we are given to know, the entire pack of dogs is male.

2) A propos of the dog pack: If the villain can create a collar that allows dogs to talk, if he can figure out a way for male dogs to reproduce, this man is a flippin’ genius. Why does he need to spend years, decades, hidden in this Brazilian forest just so he can find a bird no one believes existed? (All right, he’s a madman and has to regain his ruined reputation. Still.)

3) A propos of the villain, Muntz: He is exceedingly nasty. He wants to kill Russel and Mr. Fredrickson. He doesn’t of course; no, they kill him instead, watching as he falls to earth from a great height. I mean airplane height.

4) A propos of the airplane: I know the film is fantasy, but fantasy should still maintain a certain verisimilitude. Here is a decrepit old man who has to use a stair lift in his house, but who, in the face of adversity, gains the strength and agility of a near-superhero: able to cling to the side of a moving plane like Spider-Man; duel like Captain Jack Sparrow; and hold on to a rope with one hand and a boy with the other. (Like, I don’t know—Homer Simpson?)

5) And finally, a' propos of Homer Simpson, Up wasn't funny.

Okay, that’s the end of the rant. (Cosmo didn't like the movie either, btw.) The animation was jaw-dropping fantastic. The balloons were gorgeous. Thanks for listening.